Face the truth: we're not spotless.

　　How could my life be so tough? I lost my cell phone yesterday and till now still can't it. It must dropped from my pocket somewhere when I was eagerly hurrying for my exam... I'm out of mind! My family will all blame me for my carelessness, and it's not the first time that I make so much troubles for them. Now it feels like I'm isolated from others while walking on the road... Seeing others using or talking on their cell, I'd feel upset. BTW, I was so stupid to misunderstand something that it disappointed me a lot... otherwise, I'm living in a really, really tight budget! :( I will have my final subject tomorrow, marketing. I'm really not in the mood to study, though I know it is my responsibility.

　　There is no good excuses for what I've done. Somehow I think it's better for me to vanish, for not giving my family and people arround me so many troubles and worry about. Again, I feel the hatred come into being inside of me. It is for nobody but myself. I am CRAP. While I'm falling I know there's actually no one really can help me... Everyone has their own stuff to handle with, they have their own burdens. No matter what's the relationship between I and the person, mom, dad, siblings, friends... When I am in need of favors, I always see there is something faked that they pretended to be while helping me. No one can be truly honest, nor do I. I can literally sense that there is a high and strong wall inside of my heart, uh... actually, inside of every one's heart. We cheat. We disguise. We lie and we hide. Okay, that's really enough. No matter the purpose is to protect ourselves or others, that's enough! I hate myself so much because I cannot control all of me myself all the time. Being impatient, hysterical, shallow, selfish... they arn't what I want to be. How can we stand for these things that we keep them existing inside of our body and soul? How can we forgive ourselves if we hurt others with these negative emotions no matter we're intentionally or not? These things are eroding us and there's no way to recover.
　　I have heard a saying that we all have our own evils inside of our body. In my opinion, I think it'd be better to say we're, somehow, all evils. No wonder we're all sinners. We can never get rid of what we've done. We're not the dominator of our own life, it is destiny that controls how would our life be. Happiness usually makes people easy and comportable, but hardly ever lead to impressive reflections. Which one would you choose? Being ordinary or remarkable? After giving out so much negative emotions, alright... maybe it's time to pause.

　　Here. How lovely the smile is which cheers me up a lot in this grievous momet.